Are You in Love or Just Afraid to Be Alone?

Recently my client experienced a breakup with his girlfriend and posed a significant question: “Is my feeling for her truly love, or is it merely emotional dependency? I often wonder whether my capacity to fall in love is influenced by my inner vulnerabilities because it feels like I can’t survive without her. When I offer love selflessly, I don’t seek anything in return. However, when I find myself ‘falling in love,’ it seems to emanate from a different place altogether.”

Love can emerge from distinct internal conditions.

When your affection stems from your wounded self — your love is actually derived from the affection you receive from the other. This places the responsibility of your happiness and self-esteem on the other person. If they meet your needs in the manner you desire, you might claim to be “in love.” Yet, this love is less about the individual and more about how they fulfill your needs. If you feel you can’t be without the other, it signals emotional dependency. The part of you that “falls in love” is essentially a needy child yearning for love because you haven’t learned to love yourself or others. You expect someone else to fill the void within, failing to take charge of your own feelings of worth. This dependency on another’s love for your self-esteem explains the fear of living without them.

Conversely, when love comes from your mature, loving self, your relationship needs are entirely different. As an emotionally stable adult, you’ve mastered filling yourself with love and establishing your self-worth through practices like Relationship Alchemy and Emotional Counseling. You don’t seek someone to make you feel loved and worthy; you already do. This inner fulfillment comes from taking responsibility for your own emotions and needs and finding love from a spiritual place. With this fullness, your desire is to share love with another balanced individual who is equally self-sufficient in love.

The partners we choose reflect our own level of emotional health and unhealed wounds.

Naturally, the more you engage in self-love practices and self-care, the more you’ll be drawn to someone who embodies these qualities.

Choosing from a place of woundedness, you’ll likely select someone you believe can fill your emotional void. However, this expectation sets the stage for disappointment as both partners may seek fulfillment from each other rather than sharing love mutually. When relationships dissolve, it often results from both individuals not taking responsibility for their happiness and blaming the other for their dissatisfaction.

If your attachment to someone feels indispensable, consider learning how to fulfill your own needs and offer the love you seek from them. Your goal should be to become the source of love for yourself that you desire from others. This self-love allows you to love another person for who they are, not for what they can provide. Rather than seeking love, you can freely give love from a place of joy and feel enriched by the act of giving.